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October 10, 2020

We’re Guessing Bobbing For Apples Is Right Out

As you know, we are in the midst of a deadly pandemic with an overall mortality rate fast approaching that of the seasonal flu and to which children are all but immune.

That is why it is essential that we ruin Halloween for them.

AdobeStock_175283721It’s for the chil… okay, that won’t work this time.

Regardless, shut up because science.

To that end, the CDC has come out with a list of “lower risk activities can be safe alternatives” for celebrating Halloween starting with:

“Carving or decorating pumpkins with members of your household and displaying them.”

Okay, maybe not the most imaginative idea given that close to 150 million Americans already carve Halloween pumpkins every year. Plus, it’s not clear how you make a holiday special by spending it with people you already Shutterstock_734744623spend nearly every waking moment with.

Leaving aside the wisdom arming people with knives who are probably at each other’s throats already, what about the hazards that already exist? Doesn’t the CDC understand how very very dangerous pumpkin carving is? In 2017:

“… pumpkin carving accounted for nearly 3,200 of the 16,706 Halloween-related injuries treated in U.S. emergency departments, doctors' offices and clinics, according to the Consumer Product Safety Commission.”

It’s almost as if there are risks in life.

Weird.

Another suggestion:

“Carving or decorating pumpkins outside, at a safe distance, with neighbors or friends.”

Kind of like how you mow your lawn “with” neighbors and friends, at a safe distance.  Think of all the togetherness and camaraderie that fosters.

Oh, and again with the pumpkin carving. It’s like it’s okay to die of anything other than Covid.

“Having a virtual Halloween costume contest.”

Because you don’t spend enough time in Zoom meetings already.

“Having a Halloween movie night with people you live with.”

Yet more time with those people. This is actually starting to sound genuinely scary. Maybe these are good Halloween activities.

“Having a scavenger hunt-style trick-or-treat search with your household members in or around your home rather than going house to house.”

Aaaaahhhh!!!!!

If you’re more of the daredevil type, the kind of adrenaline junkie who doesn’t feel truly alive unless faced with imminent danger, you can try some of the CDCs “Moderate Risk Activities.”

“Participating in one-way trick-or-treating where individually wrapped goodie bags are lined up for families to grab and go while continuing to social distance. (such as at the end of a driveway or at the edge of a yard).”

It’s like looking into the jaws of death itself and prevailing.

“If you are preparing goodie bags, wash your hands with soap and water for at least 20 seconds before and after preparing the bags.”

Has the air ever tasted sweeter than after a young child takes a thoroughly disinfected goodie back from the end of your driveway and yet you remain standing, unbowed?

Shutterstock_1794243364Incidentally, by ensuring your goodie bags approach the sterility of an operating theater, you are protecting the least vulnerable by eliminating the most improbable path of infection.

A couple of additional precautions. First, not wearing a cloth mask can be dangerous:

“A costume mask (such as for Halloween) is not a substitute for a cloth mask. A costume mask should not be used unless it is made of two or more layers of breathable fabric that covers the mouth and nose and doesn’t leave gaps around the face.”

Second, wearing a cloth mask can be dangerous:

“Do not wear a costume mask over a protective cloth mask because it can be dangerous if the costume mask makes it hard to breathe. Instead, consider using a Halloween-themed cloth mask.”

You know what, forget about it. Halloween is way too risky. Stay indoors, get underneath your covers, and the government will let you know when it’s completely safe and risk-free to come back out.

Be patient, it might be a while.

J.

Spread the word. While you still can! Click here for the entire collection or the pics below.

Halloween-themed-mockup-featuring-a-t-shirt-surrounded-by-pumpkins-106

Mockup-of-a-woman-wearing-a-hoodie-featuring-a-collage-background-42538 Tank-top-mockup-of-a-young-woman-hiking-32231

Halloween-mockup-featuring-an-11-oz-coffee-mug-119

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October 10, 2020 at 03:27 PM in Covid-19/Coronavirus, Current Affairs | Permalink

Comments

I'm waiting until after Halloween to address that, but for now let's just say your instincts are sound!

Posted by: Planet Moron | Oct 12, 2020 12:23:08 PM

First the Grinch stole Easter. Now it's stealing Halloween. Can't wait to see what it has in mind for Thanksgiving...

Posted by: bluebird of bitterness | Oct 12, 2020 11:31:43 AM

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