Singer Macy Gray writes that we need a new flag, asking, "What if the stripes were OFF-white?," and that might not even be the dumbest part.

MarketWatch, a well-regarded financial news site is part of the Dow Jones family that includes The Wall Street Journal and Barron's.  No doubt they were thrilled over having successfully landed a famous recording artist to write a guest opinion piece for them. 

What follows is a cautionary tale of why it's really important to read a piece before you agree to publish it.

"the American flag has been hijacked as code for a specific belief. God bless those believers, they can have it. Like the Confederate, it is tattered, dated, divisive, and incorrect. It no longer represents democracy and freedom"https://t.co/5bUtDZqx0F

— Amanda (@AmandaLuvsRoses) June 18, 2021

The piece appears as part of a series called, "Outside the Box," which I presume to mean, "Outside the normal expectations of coherence, sentence structure, vocabulary, and basic logic."

The Confederate battle flag, which was crafted as a symbol of opposition to the abolishment of slavery, is just recently tired. We don’t see it much anymore. 

No, no we don't.

However, on the 6th, when the stormers rained on the nation’s most precious hut, waving Old Glory...

When "the stormers rained on the nation's most precious hut?"

Um,... what? 

At least now we know why she tends to co-write songs, presumably with people who have a talent for things like words.  (Really helpful in the writing game, I'm told.)

She continued with that thought.

...— the memo was received: the American flag is its replacement. 

Macy Gray received a memo no one sent. She's talented like that.

President Biden, Madame Harris and members of Congress: the American flag has been hijacked as code for a specific belief. God bless those believers, they can have it. Like the Confederate, it is tattered, dated, divisive, and incorrect. It no longer represents democracy and freedom. It no longer represents ALL of us. It’s not fair to be forced to honor it. It’s time for a new flag.

All this, because a small band of lunatics with American flags broke into a building.

Oh, and, yeah.

Kevin Seefried, who carried Confederate flag into the Capitol during Trump-fueled riot, arrested with son Hunter https://t.co/6xCyjDDrQG

— CNBC (@CNBC) January 14, 2021

I'm curious, were I to break into Antifa headquarters waving an anarchy flag, would they have to instantly abandon it, because that might be worth it.

You might be curious to know that we haven't gotten to the really good stuff yet.  Oh, no, she's just getting warmed up.

Incorrect? Let’s look to the stars. There are 50, where there should be 52. D.C. and Puerto Rico have been lobbying for statehood for decades.

Got that?  There should be 52 stars so that all the states are recognized including the ones that exist solely in Macy Gray's mind.

Ah, but she can explain!

Both have been denied, since statehood would allow each territory’s elected officials seats in the house. 

Certainly partisan political interests play a role, but in the case of DC, it would simply be unconstitutional given that the Constitution is very specific about the establishment of a federal district. As for Puerto Rico, statehood is not "denied." Puerto Rico is a territory, like many others, and has no right to become a state. The populace itself remains closely divided on the issue.

Assuming D.C. reps would be African-American and Puerto Rican reps would be Hispanic, the ultimate assumption is that these elected officials would be Democratic. That alone is racist. 

It's racist to believe that the District of Columbia, where 76% of registered voters are Democrats, would vote Democratic.

Puerto Rico has less to do about assumptions (the current non-voting delegate from Puerto Rico caucuses with the GOP), and more about general resistance to adding new states, which I guess is also racist.

On to the stripes.

No, please...

The Smithsonian documents that the “white” stripes represent purity and innocence. America is great. It is beautiful. Pure, it ain’t. It is broken and in pieces.

Her solution? 

What if the stripes were OFF-white?

I don't know. What if they were eggshell?  How about "Chantilly Lace" or "White Heron?" 

We could have ourselves a VERY fashionable flag.

What if the stars were the colors of ALL of us — your skin tone and mine — like the melanin scale?

Wait, what?

I'm not sure if she knows this, but the stars do not represent "white" people. No one is the color of those stars.  No one is bright white. Really, and if they are, they either need to go to the emergency room right now, or they're a porcelain doll possessed of supernatural evil and they need to go dramatically terrorize some innocent family.

The blue square represents vigilance and perseverance; and the red stripes stand for valor. America is all of those things.

That's nice.

She's going to go ruin it now, isn't she?

Yep.

So, what if those elements on the flag remained? What if the flag looked like this?

It would look like a fifth-grade elementary school project gone horribly wrong?

Actually,

In 1959, 17-year-old Bob Heft designed the current flag for a school project when there were only 48 states. Hawaii and Alaska were up for statehood and Bob had a hunch they’d get the nod. He crafted a NEW flag with 50 stars for the then-future, because things had changed. 

Sixty-two years later, in 2021, we have changed and it’s time for a reset, a transformation. One that represents all states and all of us. 

What's interesting is that the current flag does that, and it does that precisely because it is purely symbolic of enduring values. It does not attempt to capture us as "colors" which is unavoidably divisive. It represents all of us because it doesn't do that.

Besides, can you imagine the endless arguments over hue, numbers, and placement?

Nobody can "hijack" the flag unless we let them.

Do you want to be the one to explain to your kid how you  let a guy in a buffalo hat hijack our national symbol?

U.S. judge orders mental evaluation of Capitol riot’s ‘QAnon Shaman’ https://t.co/7wnYKEZwUx pic.twitter.com/j2Ca9BJwZ6

— Reuters (@Reuters) May 22, 2021

Let's hold firm on this, otherwise we'll all be talking about the "good old red, white, blue, offwhite, cream, balboa mist, stone hearth, light khaki, bleeker ridge, Shenandoah taupe, Tudor brown, dark coffee..."

J.