September 23, 2020

What If You Wear A Mask But You Still Hate Your Grandma?

Like many people, you are probably sick and tired of hearing that if you don't wear a face mask, you must hate your grandma.

But what if you do wear a face mask, even if only on occasion, and yet STILL hate your grandma?

We'll tell you what:

You'd be living a lie!

Every time people see you, they're just going to naturally assume you actually love your grandma. Here at Planet Moron, we understand that not all our readers have the capacity to maintain any kind of close personal relationship, and that's okay.

Well, actually, it isn't. You should probably seek some help for that.

But in the meantime, it's important you be true to yourself, and your natural animosity towards older living relatives.

I Still Hate Grandma

Yes, now you can tell the world, I'm a responsible citizen and yet I still hate grandma.

We see this as a win-win.

Available here.

No, really, you can buy this.

J.

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September 23, 2020 at 03:13 PM in Covid-19/Coronavirus, Current Affairs | Permalink | Comments (2)

September 11, 2020

Masks? We Ain’t Got No Masks…

The New York Times sent hard-hitting reporter Karen Gray to the Trump Rally in Michigan yesterday, no doubt for the insights that only a veteran reporter, with skills tested and honed over the years, can bring to their readers.

Her first observation of the evening was a blockbuster:

Those are the kind of reportorial instincts that separate the average journalist from the Pulitzer-Prize-caliber ones.

Sure, we were all a little bit shaken by the news. But not Karen Gray. Karen Gray was just getting started.

She understood it was essential that she follow up on such a revelation, knowing full well that many would not believe it. So, despite the personal hazard of being surrounded by people out in the fresh air with their faces unobscured, she managed to get this follow-up tweet out, together with photographic evidence:

Not many masks, indeed.

Not many masks at all.

Unfortunately, Karen Gray ended up being removed from the event…

Wait, have we been saying Karen? Sorry, that’s our mistake. Not sure where that came from. Our apologies. It’s Kathy. Kathy Gray.

Anyway, Trump officials removed her from the event due to credentialing issues or perhaps for her own safety, and we are all the poorer for it. Think of the tweets we as a country were denied.  Might have she dug further down into the lack of mask-wearing, perhaps counting the masks, or commenting on the various kinds and the relative efficacy of each?

Sadly, we’ll never know. Questions will remain unanswered, stories untold.

Things were probably said at the rally, possibly policy related. Whatever, the important thing to remember is that while Trump held a largely maskless rally, Joe Biden is “following the science.”

Or maybe that was Scientology he was following. Something like that.

J.

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September 11, 2020 at 04:43 PM in Covid-19/Coronavirus, Current Affairs | Permalink | Comments (4)

August 28, 2020

They’re Relying On The Science! Political Science. (That’s A Science, Right?)

You might find yourself confused as to why you have to wear a face mask given all the conflicting information you’ve been given.

That’s because you have been duped. You need to stop listening to so-called “experts” like the Center for Disease Control and the World Health Organization and instead listen to real experts, like the Center for Disease Control and the World Health Organization.

Well, after they’ve changed their minds, that is. Just assume everything we thought we knew about viruses over the past five decades is wrong, and we just now in the past couple of months finally figured it all out.

Talk about timing.

For example, a study earlier this year that appeared in the New England Journal of Medicine made the following observation:

“We know that wearing a mask outside health care facilities offers little, if any, protection from infection… In many cases, the desire for widespread masking is a reflexive reaction to anxiety over the pandemic."

We now know that this statement was taken out of context. The correct context is shut up and wear your mask.

Kind of casts it in a whole new light, doesn’t it?

The Surgeon General had made similar statements strongly discouraging the wearing of face masks saying they were ineffective and could do more harm than good.

He has since recanted, urging us all that masks actually do work explaining the change by pointing out that we once “prescribed cigarettes for asthmatics.”

Ha! We were SO dumb in the 1950s. And March.

Poltifact even fact-checked a study that suggested masks were ineffective, finding that:

“No, a CDC-WHO study does not prove that masks do not prevent spread of COVID-19.”

Silly Citizens.

Their reasons:

Screen Shot 2020-08-27 at 5.36.51 PM

First, the study was done on influenza, and yes, it may spread like Covid-19, but the study never mentioned Covid-19 specifically. (We assume they used the “Find” function.)

Second, they note that the study was done by the University of Hong Kong.

Keep in mind, they are trying to discredit the study by noting it was done by the Chinese.

Now normally, that would be very extremely racist and possibly a form of hate speech, and many careers would need to be ended as a consequence, but that is not the case here because of reasons.

Finally, one of the seven authors of the study said the claim was false.

Which author?

The only one who was white.

Again, under different circumstances that would be cause for an immediate dismissal of everyone at Politifact, the burning down of their offices and the smoking ruins left as a warning to others.

But these aren’t those circumstances. These are the kind of circumstances where you can say and do those things without fear of retribution.

The white, reliable, non-Chinese scientist pointed out that the finding that masks were not effective was an “incorrect interpretation,” of the study “confusing absence of evidence with evidence of absence.”

In human speak, that means the study found no proof that they were effective, but it didn’t prove they were ineffective either.

In other words, just because you found that beating on your computer with a hammer didn’t seem to help it connect to WiFi, doesn’t mean you’ve proven that beating on your computer with a hammer isn’t effective.

Science!

It should also be pointed out that the CDC directs you to many Chinese studies to prove that masks are in fact effective.

But we guess those were all approved by white guys.

Still suspicious?

Permit us to drop some truth bombs on you.

The CDC believes so strongly that you should wear a mask that they state right on their web site that you must not under any circumstances wear the most effective mask for stopping the spread of virus.

Screen Shot 2020-08-27 at 5.33.42 PM

Instead, wear some random piece of cloth that your neighbor down the street, the one with all the cats, made using her deceased husband’s old Korean War uniforms.

You should also be perfectly comfortable finding that when you pull up many of the articles (such as this one and this one) on how face masks might not be all that effective, those articles have been modified with clarifications and notes saying that what they said is no longer true.

Which is not the least bit suspicious so stop thinking about it right now.

You should also not spend any time at all pondering the ramifications of the CDC’s latest advice that wearing a mask when you most need it, such as during close contact with someone for 15 minutes or longer, is useless.

Given all this, it is clear that as sovereign citizens we can examine this conflicting advice, much of it potentially politically motivated, and make our own decisions regarding whether or not we should wear a mask, under what circumstances, and how comfortable we are around others who may make decisions different from ours based on their own circumstances and risk tolerance.

Ha, ha, just kidding. Put on your mask and shut up.

J.

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August 28, 2020 at 02:46 PM in Covid-19/Coronavirus, Current Affairs | Permalink | Comments (3)

July 27, 2020

First They Came For The Chicken Wings And I Did Not Speak Out…

In their never-ending mission to make our lives better by helping us to navigate an increasingly complex and bewildering world, various state and municipal governments have created handy guides as to what constitutes a “meal.”

If you are like most Planet Moron readers, you’re probably saying to yourself, “That reminds me, which lunchmeat is green? I found a sandwich in my glovebox and I can’t decide whether I should put mayo or mustard on it.”

Also, “I think I’m perfectly capable of determining what is and is not a meal.”

Well, that’s where you’re clearly mistaken. Determing what is a meal needs to be left to the experts, also shut up.

The issue has arisen as states and municipalities have been setting down rules regarding which business are permitted to open during the Covid pandemic.

For example, while the CDC makes no distinction between bars and restaurants in its own guidelines on reopening, many states have decided that restaurants can open but bars cannot because, as Honolulu Mayor Kirk Caldwell points out:

“As you have one beer, two beers, three beers, you start to get more relaxed.”

And the last thing you want in the middle of a pandemic in which millions have lost jobs, kids are out of school, and prescriptions for depression medication are skyrocketing, is to provide people a means to relax.

This has incensed bar owners, who it should be pointed out, want to kill your grandma, with Sean Conroy, co-owner of International Tap House in Columbia, Missouri having said he felt like:

“We’re being punished because we don’t serve chicken wings.”

While he has since been allowed to reopen, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo must have been paying attention as he closed the notorious “chicken wing loophole” that would otherwise allow bars to open noting in his infinite wisdom that “sandwiches were the lowest level of substantive food” to be permitted.

How does he know this you may ask?

Because experts.

Naturally, the state walked the statement back by patiently explaining that you didn’t hear what you just heard.

California however, noted for not having a city named “Buffalo” within its borders, is holding the line against chicken wings and any other food that doesn’t qualify as a “meal.”

For example, the following foods are not enough to permit you to serve alcohol:

  • Pickles
  • Chips
  • Cheese sticks
  • Pretzels
  • Dessert

Which pretty much eliminates 90% of my son’s daily calories.

You can tell they put a lot of thought into this with panels of highly paid experts spending countless hours determining the minutia of what counts and what doesn’t. For example, a flouta, which is a flour tortilla wrapped around a filling and deep fried is not a meal. A chimichanga, which is a flour tortilla wrapped around a filling and deep fried is.

Glad they could clear that up for us.

Just in case you think it is just a bunch of petty bureaucrats dictating rules without applying some leeway or common sense, rest assured, nothing could be further from the truth. The California authorities want you to know that the:

“Department does recognize that many sandwiches and salads are substantial and can constitute legitimate meals. Once again, the Department looks at the totality of circumstances…”

As an aside, they will be drawing salaries while they determine the totality of your sandwich.

“…and generally considers that pre-packaged sandwiches and salads would not typically meet this standard.”

We’re assuming packaging goes to motive.

“In evaluating this, the Department generally looks at the various menu offerings, availability during typical meal hours, and whether the food offered is served in a reasonable quantity and what a reasonable person might consider to be a meal consumed at breakfast, lunch, or dinner.”

Did we mention they will be drawing a salary while they do this?  We should have added that if you live in California you’ll be paying those salaries.

Now if you’ll excuse us, it's time for a snack. Or a meal.  Wait, where are those guidelines?…

J.

July 27, 2020 at 03:45 PM in Covid-19/Coronavirus, Current Affairs | Permalink | Comments (1)

July 24, 2020

Teachers of The World Unite! (To Defund the Police, Expand Medicare and Maybe Teach. Someday.)

Public school teachers are extremely concerned not only with your child’s education, but also their health and well-being.

And taking money from the police and giving it to themselves.

But mostly your child’s education and those other things. Well-being, that’s it. And health. Super-important.

Why take money from the police? According to the Los Angeles teacher’s union:

“Police violence is a leading cause of death and trauma for Black people and is a serious public health and moral issue.”

The numbers are indeed stark. Of the top-ten causes of death for black people, “police violence” is off the charts!

The bottom end of the charts.

Screen Shot 2020-07-24 at 8.02.04 AM

Okay, so it doesn’t rank at all.

And yes, you could point out that about 40 times more black people die of Alzheimers than by police shootings and that hundreds of times more die at the hands of people in their own neighborhoods, but it’s important to understand that, statistically speaking, you’re a racist.

Of course, being teachers, they are also very concerned about Medicare for all and a wealth tax.

LA Teachers Union Demands

Oh, and education. We keep forgetting about the education part.

You can tell how concerned they are about the education of your children by their demand that absolutely no more charter schools be opened. Sure, charter schools may provide a poor family’s only opportunity to help their children receive a quality education, but that would “drain resources” from the completely inadequate education they now receive from district schools and from which their parents are desperately trying to help them escape.

We should probably point out that spending money on people in the country illegally, also a demand of the union, does not drain resources from district schools.  Only charter schools do that.

It’s math people.

The teachers point out that:

The COVID-19 pandemic in the United States underscores the deep equity and justice challenges arising from our profoundly racist, intensely unequal society.

You can tell how very racist LA society is what with their Hispanic/Jewish mayor, a city council more than half of which is non-white, and a police department nearly three-quarters of which is non-white, (roughly two-thirds including sworn officers).

This in a city that is about half white, and yet vote non-white people into positions of power which begs the question:

What are they trying to hide?

Finally, the LA teachers’ union, which we should probably remind you is primarily interested in the education of your children, points out:

Unlike other countries that recognize protecting lives is the key to protecting livelihoods, the United States has chosen to prioritize profits over people. The Trump administration’s attempt to force people to return to work on a large scale depends on restarting physical schools so parents have childcare... Meanwhile, the rewards of economic recovery accrue largely to white and well-off communities that have largely been shielded from the worst of the pandemic’s effects.

Exactly. The teachers understand this because they don’t benefit from economic recovery either!

They get paid no matter what.

The “Black and Brown working communities, where people are more likely to have “essential” jobs,” get nothing.

Well, other than jobs and a sense of self-worth and respect.

J.

July 24, 2020 at 04:19 PM in Covid-19/Coronavirus, Current Affairs | Permalink | Comments (0)

July 20, 2020

Critical Covid-19 Pandemic Public Service Announcement

In light of the ongoing Covid-19 pandemic, we thought it was imperative we provide our readers with the information they need so that they can make responsible, informed, and yes, science-based decisions:

Life is Risky
We must all do our part to spread this important message.

Lfe is Risky Splash

J.

July 20, 2020 at 10:47 AM in Covid-19/Coronavirus, Current Affairs | Permalink | Comments (0)

July 03, 2020

Happy “Independence” Day!

Just in time for July 4th, wherein we celebrate our independence from the exercise of capricious authority without the consent of the governed, the governor of Pennsylvania announced he would be exercising capricious authority without the consent of the governed.

The governor explained this was necessary:

“If we want to maintain the freedoms we have in place under our reopening.”

The order originally came from Health Secretary Dr. Rachel Levine who famously assured everyone that their loved ones were safe in nursing homes while removing her own mother from one shortly before the disease decimated nursing home residents around the state. (To be fair, her mother was technically in a “personal care home” which is not at all the same in that it is spelled differently.)

If you are like most Planet Moron readers, you are probably asking yourself, “Isn’t today the day I normally wear pants?”

Also, “I thought our freedoms were inalienable, a product of being a human being and are not subject to the whims of the authorities over whom we have ultimate dominion?”

That is SO March of 2020.

Or to be more precise, so 1776 to March of 2020.

These are new times, and as Dr. Levine pointed out in her order, she can pretty much do whatever she wants:

Screen Shot 2020-07-03 at 6.30.03 AM

We really need to start reading the fine print on these laws.

What about the complex Constitutional issues surrounding the interplay of individual liberty and the collective good when dealing with the unique challenges presented by a pandemic?

Well, here’s a “Fun Fact:”

It doesn’t matter.

That was probably easier than you had expected.

So, why does everyone need to wear a mask and not just have people choose for themselves if they have any particular vulnerabilities or concerns?

There are two important things to understand about this:

What if you question this logic, or bring up research suggesting it doesn’t make any sense?

That’s not as complicated an issue as you might imagine. As some patiently explain it:

Shut up and wear a mask.  

It is a pretty compelling argument when you don't think about it.

For the record, we here at Planet Moron do wear masks when shopping and in other indoor environments mostly to thwart facial recognition software.  

Wait, that's not it.  We do it out of respect for others. Yeah, let's go with that instead.

We do not wear one “whenever we leave the home,” and believe that to be largely silly unless you’re crammed together with other people (or there are drones in the area).

But that is a personal choice.

Remember that? Good times.

J.

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Screen Shot 2020-07-02 at 8.52.33 PM

July 3, 2020 at 12:41 PM in Covid-19/Coronavirus, Current Affairs | Permalink | Comments (2)

June 17, 2020

Coronavirus Cases Are On The Rise Where They Are On The Rise!

You’ve seen various versions of the same alarming headlines:

Coronavirus Cases Are On The Rise!

In fact, it’s pretty much been the same headline for months, and it’s absolutely true.

At any given time, Coronavirus cases are in fact rising.

Somewhere.

Where? Well, that changes from week to week. Remember when we were told that Georgia would have "blood on its hands" because it was reopening too soon? How about Virginia which has been reopening for weeks now?

Georgia Virginia

Yeah, we aren’t talking about that so much now. We've moved on. Now we’re talking about Texas and Florida!

TexasTexas

Oh my goodness we’re all going to die!!

If we live in Texas or Florida.

This week, anyway.

How's the country doing overall?

USA

Yeah, not much useful here to induce the desired levels of hysteria.

In other words, the news story you are about to see is true, the names have been changed to protect the narrative.

Stay Obedient.

Stay Submissive.

Save Politicians.

J.

June 17, 2020 at 09:37 AM in Covid-19/Coronavirus, Current Affairs | Permalink | Comments (0)

May 26, 2020

CNN: Men Doing Much Better In Pandemic, Other Than All The Dying, Of Course.

A CNN headline recently alerted us to the real tragedy of the pandemic, the fact that "Coronavirus is killing more men. But the lockdown is disastrous for women and their rights:"

Screen Shot 2020-05-24 at 9.05.43 AM

Apparently CNN does not consider dying to be disastrous.  What do they consider "disastrous" you ask?

Having more limited access to contraception.

I think you’d be hard pressed to find anyone who wouldn’t prefer a miserable death, gasping for air, and isolated from loved ones, over not being able to get birth control pills in a timely manner.

The article gets right into it from the start:

London (CNN)The novel coronavirus seems to be more deadly for men. But in many other ways, women are bearing the brunt of this pandemic.”

Among those “other ways” is a 10% greater likelihood of suffering a job loss.

You could argue that since men have a 50% greater likelihood of suffering a death, they are technically also experiencing a greater likelihood of a job loss since losing your life can really interfere with getting a good quarterly performance review.

On the other hand, shut up.

There are of course serious outcomes that do not include losing your life that women face disproportionately, such as domestic violence. Quite a bit of attention has been paid to that, as it should.

Screen Shot 2020-05-24 at 9.04.33 AM

You’d think in light of that, and all the other real-life negative outcomes of shutting people inside their homes, CNN would highlight the importance of easing up on the lockdowns so as to mitigate the extensive damage being done to women.

If you are thinking that, you probably need to start thinking about something else.

We suggest bunnies. And maybe gin.

Okay, gin. 

J.

May 26, 2020 at 07:18 AM in Covid-19/Coronavirus, Current Affairs | Permalink | Comments (0)

May 22, 2020

Lockdown Now. Lockdown Tomorrow. And Lockdown Forever! 

Remember when the goal was to “flatten the curve,” by spreading out infections from the coronavirus over a longer period of time so as to avoid a sudden surge in hospitalizations that could overwhelm our healthcare system?

Yeah, so that’s not the goal anymore. 

The new goal is to be absolutely 100% certain we won’t get sick.

What was wrong with the old goal, you ask?

Mainly, it’s that we achieved it.  Time to move on to a new goal, the better to keep us under house arrest.

Safe. We mean the better to keep us safe. 

According to Pennsylvania Governor Tom Wolf, an eminent epidemiologist renowned for his tireless work selling kitchen cabinetry, what we really need are some guarantees:

“I think that’s what it’s going to take to really get our economy back to normal, and I really think that can’t happen fully, 100 percent until we have a vaccine that is foolproof.”

It should probably be pointed out that there has never, in the history of humankind, ever been a vaccine that is 100% effective.

The only virus we were ever able to eradicate was smallpox, but that took 100 years and wasn’t because the vaccine was foolproof, it was due to a sustained worldwide effort to create herd immunity.

Hopefully that mask of yours is comfortable.

It is also worthy to note that there are some viruses for which we have never found a vaccine such as AIDS and malaria.  And the flu still kills tens of thousands of Americans each year and all we have for that is a vaccine which is only about 50% effective.

Hopefully that mask is REALLY comfortable.

But wait, you say, we landed a man on the moon, surely we can get a 100% foolproof vaccine.

Yes, we did land a man on the moon! 

(Or, in the interest of maximum wokeness, we landed a “white cis male” on the moon.)

Of course, that took seven years.

As “Republican” governor George Wallace might have said, “Lockdown now. Lockdown tomorrow. And lockdown forever!”

We understand moisturizer can ease the facial irritation the masks can cause when worn long-term.

In fairness, we should point out that it’s not like we’re being treated like prisoners in our own home, only being allowed out for good behavior.  It’s that we are being treated like prisoners in our own home only being allowed out with good behavior.

And it’s not as if the entire economy is shut down. Essential “life-sustaining” businesses were allowed to stay open, such as Governor Wolf’s former kitchen cabinetry company.

The company somehow managed to get a waiver, even though at the time, the state had received 24,000 waiver requests, and had only gotten through 8000.

Well, after this was discovered, Pennsylvania promptly rescinded the waiver.

The company remained open assuming it was all a “clerical, administrative error.”

As the CEO explained:

“The waiver doesn’t mean anything, We didn’t need no steenking waiver.”

Okay, we may have added the “no steenking” part.

It actually makes sense if you think about it.  The company provides kitchen cabinets. Kitchen cabinets hold plates. You need plates to put your food on.  You need food to live.

Ergo, kitchen cabinets are “life-sustaining!”

Okay, stop thinking about it.

It appears Wolf has since ceased operations (although that is not entirely clear). The governor is said to have a squeaky clean reputation and it’s unlikely he’d ever purposefully, favor a company he no longer even owns, in the middle of a pandemic.

More likely, we are told, the entire process of the state shutdown was:

“…done unilaterally with no input, no warning. It’s very ill-conceived and it’s constantly being revised.”

So, you see, Governor Wolf is not corrupt. He’s just incompetent.

You might want to look into getting some more masks.

J.

May 22, 2020 at 04:26 PM in Covid-19/Coronavirus, Current Affairs | Permalink | Comments (0)