October 21, 2020

The Only Thing We Have To Fear,... Is Everything.

As if things weren’t bad enough, a mysterious new illness that has the potential to kill tens of thousands of Americans including hundreds of children has started circulating throughout the United States.

Scientists have dubbed it “the flu.”

This strange and highly contagious virus is causing panic throughout the United States, particularly among parents concerned about their children’s susceptibility to the infection.

While a vaccine has been developed to help control this so-called “flu” it is at best, 50% to 60% effective, calling into question the motives behind the administration’s push for wide distribution. Why are they so intent on having everyone take a vaccine that still leaves your odds of contracting this deadly virus barely as good as what you’d get playing roulette?

Do we really want to gamble the lives of our children on the spin of a wheel?

That is why it is absolutely necessary that we shut down our economy.

Not the entire economy, of course. That would be reckless. Just the small parts that are not well-organized and lack political influence such as restaurants, independent retailers, other small businesses, and really anything that doesn’t rhyme with “Amazon,” or “Wal-Mart.”

This invisible enemy, this “flu,” can and will be defeated, but only if we all work together by wrapping our faces in scraps of cloth and staying home, doors closed and blinds pulled.

Further instructions will be forthcoming.

We thank you your obedience.

Cooperation. We meant to say cooperation.

J.

Spread the word. While you still can! Click here for the entire collection or the pics below.

Halloween-themed-mockup-featuring-a-t-shirt-surrounded-by-pumpkins-106

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October 21, 2020 at 01:01 PM in Covid-19/Coronavirus, Current Affairs | Permalink | Comments (0)

October 16, 2020

Graham-Feinstein Hug Sparks Outrage Because Of Course It Does

In a genuine moment of comity, two political rivals, Lindsay Graham and Diane Feinstein, shared a brief hug following the conclusion of the Amy Coney Barrett hearings sending a message that while we may have differences, in the end, we are all part of the same human family.

That is why it must be condemned.

Feinstein even had the gall to say kind words about Graham.  Naturally, calls for her resignation followed with one activist organization issuing a statement that read:

“If Senate Democrats are going to get their act together on the courts going forward, they cannot be led by someone who treats Sunrise activists with contempt and the Republican theft of a Supreme Court seat with kid gloves.”

We should note that this theft was organized by a group of notorious traitors known as “The Founding Fathers,” and set in motion 233 years ago with a diabolical plan that came to be known as “The Constitution” laying out in detail the specific conditions under which a Supreme Court vacancy is to be filled.

As bad as Feinstein’s ill-advised display of humanity might have been, her transgression goes beyond simply being courteous and following the law of the land, that hug she shared, maskless no less, was too much for some to take.

Quick, cover the children's eyes!

Some believed Feinstein deserves to “get a little Covid” for her wanton violation of Covid guidelines. This week's, anyway:

Indeed, don’t we all wish we could “turn back time and donut all over.”

via GIPHY

Many others went further, wishing she would die.

Interestingly, wishing the death of a United States Senator does not violate Twitter’s terms of service, but reporting on a potential financial scandal is totally beyond the pale.

Will we ever return to a time when political adversaries were simply people with whom we have policy disagreements and not evil enemies unworthy of being treated with any decency or respect?

Call us, “cautiously pessimistic.”

J.

October 16, 2020 at 08:53 AM in Covid-19/Coronavirus, Current Affairs | Permalink | Comments (2)

October 10, 2020

We’re Guessing Bobbing For Apples Is Right Out

As you know, we are in the midst of a deadly pandemic with an overall mortality rate fast approaching that of the seasonal flu and to which children are all but immune.

That is why it is essential that we ruin Halloween for them.

AdobeStock_175283721It’s for the chil… okay, that won’t work this time.

Regardless, shut up because science.

To that end, the CDC has come out with a list of “lower risk activities can be safe alternatives” for celebrating Halloween starting with:

“Carving or decorating pumpkins with members of your household and displaying them.”

Okay, maybe not the most imaginative idea given that close to 150 million Americans already carve Halloween pumpkins every year. Plus, it’s not clear how you make a holiday special by spending it with people you already Shutterstock_734744623spend nearly every waking moment with.

Leaving aside the wisdom arming people with knives who are probably at each other’s throats already, what about the hazards that already exist? Doesn’t the CDC understand how very very dangerous pumpkin carving is? In 2017:

“… pumpkin carving accounted for nearly 3,200 of the 16,706 Halloween-related injuries treated in U.S. emergency departments, doctors' offices and clinics, according to the Consumer Product Safety Commission.”

It’s almost as if there are risks in life.

Weird.

Another suggestion:

“Carving or decorating pumpkins outside, at a safe distance, with neighbors or friends.”

Kind of like how you mow your lawn “with” neighbors and friends, at a safe distance.  Think of all the togetherness and camaraderie that fosters.

Oh, and again with the pumpkin carving. It’s like it’s okay to die of anything other than Covid.

“Having a virtual Halloween costume contest.”

Because you don’t spend enough time in Zoom meetings already.

“Having a Halloween movie night with people you live with.”

Yet more time with those people. This is actually starting to sound genuinely scary. Maybe these are good Halloween activities.

“Having a scavenger hunt-style trick-or-treat search with your household members in or around your home rather than going house to house.”

Aaaaahhhh!!!!!

If you’re more of the daredevil type, the kind of adrenaline junkie who doesn’t feel truly alive unless faced with imminent danger, you can try some of the CDCs “Moderate Risk Activities.”

“Participating in one-way trick-or-treating where individually wrapped goodie bags are lined up for families to grab and go while continuing to social distance. (such as at the end of a driveway or at the edge of a yard).”

It’s like looking into the jaws of death itself and prevailing.

“If you are preparing goodie bags, wash your hands with soap and water for at least 20 seconds before and after preparing the bags.”

Has the air ever tasted sweeter than after a young child takes a thoroughly disinfected goodie back from the end of your driveway and yet you remain standing, unbowed?

Shutterstock_1794243364Incidentally, by ensuring your goodie bags approach the sterility of an operating theater, you are protecting the least vulnerable by eliminating the most improbable path of infection.

A couple of additional precautions. First, not wearing a cloth mask can be dangerous:

“A costume mask (such as for Halloween) is not a substitute for a cloth mask. A costume mask should not be used unless it is made of two or more layers of breathable fabric that covers the mouth and nose and doesn’t leave gaps around the face.”

Second, wearing a cloth mask can be dangerous:

“Do not wear a costume mask over a protective cloth mask because it can be dangerous if the costume mask makes it hard to breathe. Instead, consider using a Halloween-themed cloth mask.”

You know what, forget about it. Halloween is way too risky. Stay indoors, get underneath your covers, and the government will let you know when it’s completely safe and risk-free to come back out.

Be patient, it might be a while.

J.

Spread the word. While you still can! Click here for the entire collection or the pics below.

Halloween-themed-mockup-featuring-a-t-shirt-surrounded-by-pumpkins-106

Mockup-of-a-woman-wearing-a-hoodie-featuring-a-collage-background-42538 Tank-top-mockup-of-a-young-woman-hiking-32231

Halloween-mockup-featuring-an-11-oz-coffee-mug-119

October 10, 2020 at 03:27 PM in Covid-19/Coronavirus, Current Affairs | Permalink | Comments (2)

September 29, 2020

Bringing The Unmasked Bandit To Justice

Alecia Kitts, aka "The Unmasked Bandit," has finally been brought to justice.

It’s hard to watch, the wanton sitting, the flagrant and repeated breathing, and yet there she was:

Sitting outside, all but alone, watching a middle school football game.

NOT WEARING A MASK.

Words really can’t quite capture the horror. You may want to skip the video if you are easily upset at the sight of someone’s face:

We know we’re not supposed to judge people by their appearance, but let’s face it, she fit the profile: A petite woman, early middle aged, a mom, had asthma.

She should have just tased herself and called it a day.

Yes, you could argue that forcing people to wear masks outside while socially distanced is contrary to everything we know about this virus but then again shut up.

Besides, as the Logan Police patiently point out, she was not arrested for not wearing a mask.

That would be ridiculous and a complete overreach of state authority.

She was arrested for trespassing on school property because she refused to vacate the area because she was not wearing a mask.

How that equates to being arrested for not wearing a mask we’ll never understand.

As Governor Mike DeWine explained, they just wanted the “kids to play,” and if that means tasering their parents, then so be it.

It won’t stop here unless we stop it now. Already three people were arrested in Idaho, possibly inspired by the Unmasked Bandit in Ohio, for not wearing masks while singing gospel hymns.

We can’t allow this to go on. We must preserve order, no matter what the cost.

In other news, widespread rioting continues unabated.

J.

Want to let your feelings be known without getting arrested? For now, anyway. We have these and more available here or just click the pictures. Hey, it's still a feel country.(But you might want to hurry.)

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September 29, 2020 at 02:18 PM in Covid-19/Coronavirus, Current Affairs | Permalink | Comments (0)

September 23, 2020

What If You Wear A Mask But You Still Hate Your Grandma?

Like many people, you are probably sick and tired of hearing that if you don't wear a face mask, you must hate your grandma.

But what if you do wear a face mask, even if only on occasion, and yet STILL hate your grandma?

We'll tell you what:

You'd be living a lie!

Every time people see you, they're just going to naturally assume you actually love your grandma. Here at Planet Moron, we understand that not all our readers have the capacity to maintain any kind of close personal relationship, and that's okay.

Well, actually, it isn't. You should probably seek some help for that.

But in the meantime, it's important you be true to yourself, and your natural animosity towards older living relatives.

I Still Hate Grandma

Yes, now you can tell the world, I'm a responsible citizen and yet I still hate grandma.

We see this as a win-win.

Available here.

No, really, you can buy this.

J.

Also Available:

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September 23, 2020 at 03:13 PM in Covid-19/Coronavirus, Current Affairs | Permalink | Comments (2)

September 11, 2020

Masks? We Ain’t Got No Masks…

The New York Times sent hard-hitting reporter Karen Gray to the Trump Rally in Michigan yesterday, no doubt for the insights that only a veteran reporter, with skills tested and honed over the years, can bring to their readers.

Her first observation of the evening was a blockbuster:

Those are the kind of reportorial instincts that separate the average journalist from the Pulitzer-Prize-caliber ones.

Sure, we were all a little bit shaken by the news. But not Karen Gray. Karen Gray was just getting started.

She understood it was essential that she follow up on such a revelation, knowing full well that many would not believe it. So, despite the personal hazard of being surrounded by people out in the fresh air with their faces unobscured, she managed to get this follow-up tweet out, together with photographic evidence:

Not many masks, indeed.

Not many masks at all.

Unfortunately, Karen Gray ended up being removed from the event…

Wait, have we been saying Karen? Sorry, that’s our mistake. Not sure where that came from. Our apologies. It’s Kathy. Kathy Gray.

Anyway, Trump officials removed her from the event due to credentialing issues or perhaps for her own safety, and we are all the poorer for it. Think of the tweets we as a country were denied.  Might have she dug further down into the lack of mask-wearing, perhaps counting the masks, or commenting on the various kinds and the relative efficacy of each?

Sadly, we’ll never know. Questions will remain unanswered, stories untold.

Things were probably said at the rally, possibly policy related. Whatever, the important thing to remember is that while Trump held a largely maskless rally, Joe Biden is “following the science.”

Or maybe that was Scientology he was following. Something like that.

J.

We will probably get cancelled for these (can’t even advertise them!), so get them while you can! Click on the images and look around, lots of items and alternatives enabling you to horrify your friends and neighbors in a variety of fashion colors!

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 T-shirt-mockup-of-a-bold-woman-wearing-an-athleisure-outfit-32445 (1) Sublimated-pullover-hoodie-mockup-featuring-a-man-with-short-hair-31386 (1) Tank-top-mockup-of-a-woman-with-trendy-sunglasses-at-the-beach-26775 (1)

Drinkware-mockup-of-a-woman-holding-an-11-oz-coffee-mug-2954-el1

September 11, 2020 at 04:43 PM in Covid-19/Coronavirus, Current Affairs | Permalink | Comments (4)

August 28, 2020

They’re Relying On The Science! Political Science. (That’s A Science, Right?)

You might find yourself confused as to why you have to wear a face mask given all the conflicting information you’ve been given.

That’s because you have been duped. You need to stop listening to so-called “experts” like the Center for Disease Control and the World Health Organization and instead listen to real experts, like the Center for Disease Control and the World Health Organization.

Well, after they’ve changed their minds, that is. Just assume everything we thought we knew about viruses over the past five decades is wrong, and we just now in the past couple of months finally figured it all out.

Talk about timing.

For example, a study earlier this year that appeared in the New England Journal of Medicine made the following observation:

“We know that wearing a mask outside health care facilities offers little, if any, protection from infection… In many cases, the desire for widespread masking is a reflexive reaction to anxiety over the pandemic."

We now know that this statement was taken out of context. The correct context is shut up and wear your mask.

Kind of casts it in a whole new light, doesn’t it?

The Surgeon General had made similar statements strongly discouraging the wearing of face masks saying they were ineffective and could do more harm than good.

He has since recanted, urging us all that masks actually do work explaining the change by pointing out that we once “prescribed cigarettes for asthmatics.”

Ha! We were SO dumb in the 1950s. And March.

Poltifact even fact-checked a study that suggested masks were ineffective, finding that:

“No, a CDC-WHO study does not prove that masks do not prevent spread of COVID-19.”

Silly Citizens.

Their reasons:

Screen Shot 2020-08-27 at 5.36.51 PM

First, the study was done on influenza, and yes, it may spread like Covid-19, but the study never mentioned Covid-19 specifically. (We assume they used the “Find” function.)

Second, they note that the study was done by the University of Hong Kong.

Keep in mind, they are trying to discredit the study by noting it was done by the Chinese.

Now normally, that would be very extremely racist and possibly a form of hate speech, and many careers would need to be ended as a consequence, but that is not the case here because of reasons.

Finally, one of the seven authors of the study said the claim was false.

Which author?

The only one who was white.

Again, under different circumstances that would be cause for an immediate dismissal of everyone at Politifact, the burning down of their offices and the smoking ruins left as a warning to others.

But these aren’t those circumstances. These are the kind of circumstances where you can say and do those things without fear of retribution.

The white, reliable, non-Chinese scientist pointed out that the finding that masks were not effective was an “incorrect interpretation,” of the study “confusing absence of evidence with evidence of absence.”

In human speak, that means the study found no proof that they were effective, but it didn’t prove they were ineffective either.

In other words, just because you found that beating on your computer with a hammer didn’t seem to help it connect to WiFi, doesn’t mean you’ve proven that beating on your computer with a hammer isn’t effective.

Science!

It should also be pointed out that the CDC directs you to many Chinese studies to prove that masks are in fact effective.

But we guess those were all approved by white guys.

Still suspicious?

Permit us to drop some truth bombs on you.

The CDC believes so strongly that you should wear a mask that they state right on their web site that you must not under any circumstances wear the most effective mask for stopping the spread of virus.

Screen Shot 2020-08-27 at 5.33.42 PM

Instead, wear some random piece of cloth that your neighbor down the street, the one with all the cats, made using her deceased husband’s old Korean War uniforms.

You should also be perfectly comfortable finding that when you pull up many of the articles (such as this one and this one) on how face masks might not be all that effective, those articles have been modified with clarifications and notes saying that what they said is no longer true.

Which is not the least bit suspicious so stop thinking about it right now.

You should also not spend any time at all pondering the ramifications of the CDC’s latest advice that wearing a mask when you most need it, such as during close contact with someone for 15 minutes or longer, is useless.

Given all this, it is clear that as sovereign citizens we can examine this conflicting advice, much of it potentially politically motivated, and make our own decisions regarding whether or not we should wear a mask, under what circumstances, and how comfortable we are around others who may make decisions different from ours based on their own circumstances and risk tolerance.

Ha, ha, just kidding. Put on your mask and shut up.

J.

Tell the world what you really think. CLICK HERE for purchase. Before we get cancelled! 

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CLICK HERE! (Before they catch on to us!)

August 28, 2020 at 02:46 PM in Covid-19/Coronavirus, Current Affairs | Permalink | Comments (3)

July 27, 2020

First They Came For The Chicken Wings And I Did Not Speak Out…

In their never-ending mission to make our lives better by helping us to navigate an increasingly complex and bewildering world, various state and municipal governments have created handy guides as to what constitutes a “meal.”

If you are like most Planet Moron readers, you’re probably saying to yourself, “That reminds me, which lunchmeat is green? I found a sandwich in my glovebox and I can’t decide whether I should put mayo or mustard on it.”

Also, “I think I’m perfectly capable of determining what is and is not a meal.”

Well, that’s where you’re clearly mistaken. Determing what is a meal needs to be left to the experts, also shut up.

The issue has arisen as states and municipalities have been setting down rules regarding which business are permitted to open during the Covid pandemic.

For example, while the CDC makes no distinction between bars and restaurants in its own guidelines on reopening, many states have decided that restaurants can open but bars cannot because, as Honolulu Mayor Kirk Caldwell points out:

“As you have one beer, two beers, three beers, you start to get more relaxed.”

And the last thing you want in the middle of a pandemic in which millions have lost jobs, kids are out of school, and prescriptions for depression medication are skyrocketing, is to provide people a means to relax.

This has incensed bar owners, who it should be pointed out, want to kill your grandma, with Sean Conroy, co-owner of International Tap House in Columbia, Missouri having said he felt like:

“We’re being punished because we don’t serve chicken wings.”

While he has since been allowed to reopen, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo must have been paying attention as he closed the notorious “chicken wing loophole” that would otherwise allow bars to open noting in his infinite wisdom that “sandwiches were the lowest level of substantive food” to be permitted.

How does he know this you may ask?

Because experts.

Naturally, the state walked the statement back by patiently explaining that you didn’t hear what you just heard.

California however, noted for not having a city named “Buffalo” within its borders, is holding the line against chicken wings and any other food that doesn’t qualify as a “meal.”

For example, the following foods are not enough to permit you to serve alcohol:

  • Pickles
  • Chips
  • Cheese sticks
  • Pretzels
  • Dessert

Which pretty much eliminates 90% of my son’s daily calories.

You can tell they put a lot of thought into this with panels of highly paid experts spending countless hours determining the minutia of what counts and what doesn’t. For example, a flouta, which is a flour tortilla wrapped around a filling and deep fried is not a meal. A chimichanga, which is a flour tortilla wrapped around a filling and deep fried is.

Glad they could clear that up for us.

Just in case you think it is just a bunch of petty bureaucrats dictating rules without applying some leeway or common sense, rest assured, nothing could be further from the truth. The California authorities want you to know that the:

“Department does recognize that many sandwiches and salads are substantial and can constitute legitimate meals. Once again, the Department looks at the totality of circumstances…”

As an aside, they will be drawing salaries while they determine the totality of your sandwich.

“…and generally considers that pre-packaged sandwiches and salads would not typically meet this standard.”

We’re assuming packaging goes to motive.

“In evaluating this, the Department generally looks at the various menu offerings, availability during typical meal hours, and whether the food offered is served in a reasonable quantity and what a reasonable person might consider to be a meal consumed at breakfast, lunch, or dinner.”

Did we mention they will be drawing a salary while they do this?  We should have added that if you live in California you’ll be paying those salaries.

Now if you’ll excuse us, it's time for a snack. Or a meal.  Wait, where are those guidelines?…

J.

July 27, 2020 at 03:45 PM in Covid-19/Coronavirus, Current Affairs | Permalink | Comments (1)

July 24, 2020

Teachers of The World Unite! (To Defund the Police, Expand Medicare and Maybe Teach. Someday.)

Public school teachers are extremely concerned not only with your child’s education, but also their health and well-being.

And taking money from the police and giving it to themselves.

But mostly your child’s education and those other things. Well-being, that’s it. And health. Super-important.

Why take money from the police? According to the Los Angeles teacher’s union:

“Police violence is a leading cause of death and trauma for Black people and is a serious public health and moral issue.”

The numbers are indeed stark. Of the top-ten causes of death for black people, “police violence” is off the charts!

The bottom end of the charts.

Screen Shot 2020-07-24 at 8.02.04 AM

Okay, so it doesn’t rank at all.

And yes, you could point out that about 40 times more black people die of Alzheimers than by police shootings and that hundreds of times more die at the hands of people in their own neighborhoods, but it’s important to understand that, statistically speaking, you’re a racist.

Of course, being teachers, they are also very concerned about Medicare for all and a wealth tax.

LA Teachers Union Demands

Oh, and education. We keep forgetting about the education part.

You can tell how concerned they are about the education of your children by their demand that absolutely no more charter schools be opened. Sure, charter schools may provide a poor family’s only opportunity to help their children receive a quality education, but that would “drain resources” from the completely inadequate education they now receive from district schools and from which their parents are desperately trying to help them escape.

We should probably point out that spending money on people in the country illegally, also a demand of the union, does not drain resources from district schools.  Only charter schools do that.

It’s math people.

The teachers point out that:

The COVID-19 pandemic in the United States underscores the deep equity and justice challenges arising from our profoundly racist, intensely unequal society.

You can tell how very racist LA society is what with their Hispanic/Jewish mayor, a city council more than half of which is non-white, and a police department nearly three-quarters of which is non-white, (roughly two-thirds including sworn officers).

This in a city that is about half white, and yet vote non-white people into positions of power which begs the question:

What are they trying to hide?

Finally, the LA teachers’ union, which we should probably remind you is primarily interested in the education of your children, points out:

Unlike other countries that recognize protecting lives is the key to protecting livelihoods, the United States has chosen to prioritize profits over people. The Trump administration’s attempt to force people to return to work on a large scale depends on restarting physical schools so parents have childcare... Meanwhile, the rewards of economic recovery accrue largely to white and well-off communities that have largely been shielded from the worst of the pandemic’s effects.

Exactly. The teachers understand this because they don’t benefit from economic recovery either!

They get paid no matter what.

The “Black and Brown working communities, where people are more likely to have “essential” jobs,” get nothing.

Well, other than jobs and a sense of self-worth and respect.

J.

July 24, 2020 at 04:19 PM in Covid-19/Coronavirus, Current Affairs | Permalink | Comments (0)

July 20, 2020

Critical Covid-19 Pandemic Public Service Announcement

In light of the ongoing Covid-19 pandemic, we thought it was imperative we provide our readers with the information they need so that they can make responsible, informed, and yes, science-based decisions:

Life is Risky
We must all do our part to spread this important message.

Lfe is Risky Splash

J.

July 20, 2020 at 10:47 AM in Covid-19/Coronavirus, Current Affairs | Permalink | Comments (0)